Mercy

I was almost asleep when I heard the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed, but I woke up this morning to the news and the reactions of Americans home and abroad.  I feel conflicted.  On one hand, I believe that freedom is something to be celebrated; and being free of a terrorist responsible for the deaths of so many people is definitely a good thing!  But on the other hand, I've never understood how it makes sense to make something right by committing the same wrong.  The death of Osama Bin Laden does not undo what he did...it doesn't ease the pain and heartache of the countless people affected by the events of 9-11...it doesn't make things right.

In one sense, I feel a sense of justice has been served.  But in another, I wrestle with my belief that God can change the heart of any man.  I'm just not sure what I think.  Am I proud to be an American?  Yes, I am!  But I'm struggling with the way the events of May 1, 2011 are being presented.  I don't celebrate the fact that a man (evil though he was) is gone; but I celebrate the thought that, just maybe, so many people will now be able to bring to end a painful chapter of their lives and move on with a sense of closure.

I saw two quotes on Facebook that put into words some thoughts going through my mind...

One from a friend:

"I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." MLK Jr.

And one from my Aunt:

Micah 6:8 The importance of justice is emphasized over and over in the Bible, but it's almost always linked to the equally important exercise of mercy. Here, we're told that God's desire for us boils down to simply practicing and loving both justice and mercy. Neither can exist without the other. May God have mercy on Bin Ladens' soul

A New Mind

I woke up today thinking about church.  I think about church quite a lot, actually.  I used to attend a really good church full of kind, loving, wonderful people.  I had attended this church for about 5 years when, little by little, I pulled away.  Partly it was because I didn't feel I fit in - the ministries of the church had a pretty big emphasis on family and college students.  One group I was in no longer and the other not yet.  The part that was hard for me was that the young families were all around my age, but the gatherings and group events were pretty much couples' events or Moms' Group activities.  I know I wasn't intentionally excluded; but the more I saw and heard things of which I was not invited to be involved, the more hurt I became.  Until I left every service and cried all the way home because I was so lonely.  I was going through a very rough spot with my job at the time, too, and a couple other things; and everything combined to make for one very miserable person.

So I left that church and haven't quite worked up the nerve to find another one yet.

I tell myself that it's because I can't find a church that I can fully agree with their beliefs...or the people are too friendly...or the people are not friendly enough.  But I think the truth is that I'm scared.  Scared that I might find a church that I really do like and get hurt again in the process.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like the church is a representation of God's love; sometimes it feels like the church is a dysfunctional family.

But sometimes being a part of a church is one of the most wonderful feelings of community.  A group of people who share the same beliefs (for the most part) and work together for the Kingdom.  I miss that.

So I woke up today thinking that maybe, for the first time in a couple years, I may be able to work up the courage to go to church.  It's hard going to church as a single person (yet another thing I use as an excuse) because you're either completely ignored or you stick out like a sore thumb and everyone gangs up on you.  I've been to churches that made me hug the ushers as I went into the church (on my first visit!) and churches where I had to stand up and introduce myself (on my first visit!).  But what I can't stand the most is the feeling that I'm "fresh meat".  People who are all syrupy sweet until they find out I'm already a Christian and then they're onto the next "target". 

Yes, maybe I'm being unfair in my portrayal; and maybe I perceive things completely wrong.  But that's how it feels sometimes, and I think churches would be surprised to realize how off-putting things that are meant to feel welcoming can be.

Anyway, I digress.

So while I woke up today thinking about church and how maybe I can one of these days have the courage to go back, I also realized that I've lived in fear most of my life.  Actually, that's not a new realization.  I've lost too many opportunities to fear (and still do, I'm afraid), but I'm learning that sometimes facing my fears isn't so scary.

I've always had a very active imagination and can think up every possible (although not often plausible) scenario until I get so bound up by fear that I don't even want to think about doing what I was thinking about.  My weight loss journey has been like that.  I've never been thin, and I can remember thinking all throughout my life how I would love to lose weight.  But in the back of my mind, I thought about how people would treat me when I did lose weight.  What if they didn't like me?  What if they did?  What if I go on a diet and I'm hungry all the time?  What if I can never have chocolate again?  What if I can't lose weight?  What if I can?  What if I lose the weight and then gain it all back?  What if none of my clothes fit me and I go broke buying a new wardrobe?

What if, what if, what if?  I'm learning that these questions can lead to the death of dreams.  It's good to plan ahead, and it's good to be prepared; but I tend to think a situation to death.  Ask anyone who knows me.  I want all the answers before the journey starts; but rarely does that happen, and hardly ever on one's journey with the Lord.

So I'm going to try to remember to walk by faith...not fear.  And when I find myself thinking "what if", I'll try to think "why not"?  And maybe, little by little, I will find that my mind is being renewed; and someday, maybe I'll be more inclined to face my fears that to hide from them.